Friday, December 17, 2010

Masked Review: The Non-Event

Author: Mike Carey. His offical website is here.

Review! Spoilers henceforth.



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The Non-Event reminds me of The Usual Suspects even though I've never seen The Usual Suspects. So that may have been a totally useless sentence. I know Kevin Spacey was in it, though.


"This dildo will be the death of Superman."


The Non-Event starts off with our narrator, Davey, giving the police a confession after a heist goes horribly awry. What goes awry, you ask? Just the largest plot hole in the fictional universe. A plot black hole that sucks away all logic from the story and crushes it into oblivion.

But when we ran through the plan, it was obvious it still had a serious flaw. Probably more than one, if the truth be told, but certainly one that kind of jumped up, grabbed you by the collar, and screamed "serious fucking flaw!"


It's like Davey can read my mind.

We'll start off by listing the important members of this heist. There's Davey, AKA Lockjaw, who can sweet talk locks into spreading their tumblers toward the sky. Next is Perspective who has the power of re-sizing objects. Useful for stuffing the entire contents of a vault into a lead-lined pencil case. And lastly, there is Gallo, AKA Non-Event, whose power nullifies other powers. It basically seems to cause stuff not to work:

Car engines misfired. Phone calls got disconnected. Card readers on ATM machines became dyslexic. BIC lighters refused to spark. Even the wind died.


(ATM MACHINES???? DID YOU INPUT YOUR PIN NUMBER CORRECTLY???? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T CATCH THE HIV VIRUS!!!!)

See? It goes mostly unexplained why certain things are affected and others not. Like, do any of these things have anything in common? Is there something similar about cars, cell phones, superpowers, and the wind? I have no fucking idea. Does the author? I have no fucking idea.

Proceeding on, Perspective opens a bank account and asks to see her security deposit box. While she's in the vault, Lockjaw and a couple other unimportant characters teleport in, take out the security guards, and spring the locks. Perspective starts shoving everything that isn't glued down into her pencil case and they make their way toward the exit.

Sidebar: Perspective drops the miniaturized loot. It makes a "deafening clatter." Why? Does it still have the same mass? If so, it should be impossible to carry. Unless she has super strength. If she has super strength, you think she could have helped when they were punching out the guards. Also, she's clumsy. What forces her to drop the loot? A sinister boom. She trips over it. Everyone else managed to step over it. It's probably because she's a woman.

So there they are. Countless riches in hand, no one the wiser. What do they do? Why announce they're robbing the place, of course. Or rather, that they had already robbed it. Why stroll out of the bank when you can call massive attention to yourself?

Let's say I were to murder a pair of clowns. The most logical thing to do, if I wanted to get away with it, would be to drag the bodies to a police station and sign a confession.


Am... I free to go?


Superheroes, understandably, begin to show up. But don't worry! Because the heist's ring leader has a gun! And there is Non-Event! Standing in line! If he freaks out! He will prevent everyone's superpowers from working! The villains will have the advantage! Especially from the cops arriving at any second! Who will also have guns! And then the villains can make their getaway in their getaway car! Which will not work! Because of Non-Event's superpower! Let's break his elbow! FUCK YEAH ASLAN FUCK YEAH

Oh, wait. Perspective dropped the pencil case. Its lead-lining cracked. It's now subject to Non-Event's nullification. It explodes and people die.

Davey shoots Gallo in the head so his power will stop. He gets arrested. The end.

1.5 out of 5. It's not written too badly; Davey actually has a distinct voice and there's some strong characterization. But, man, the logic of The Non-Event is just not there. I could plan a better heist in my sleep. I could plan a better heist while on fire.


So I was thinking we could not be dumb as shit and become fabulously rich. How does that sound?

3 comments:

  1. (ATM MACHINES???? DID YOU INPUT YOUR PIN NUMBER CORRECTLY???? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T CATCH THE HIV VIRUS!!!!)

    Lol. Someone call the Department of Redundancy Department.

    That basically sounds like the worst story ever. But on the plus side, I like the firehead guy picture.

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  2. It was pretty awful. Which sucked even more because the premise had so much promise. Supervillains + heist? ARGHHH SO MUCH WASTED POTENTIAL

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  3. Anything involving villains or non-heroes has the potential to be incredibly awesome. Villains are just too damn interesting to be boring. Apparently, though, this dudeface found a way.

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