Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A thousand apologies. Wait. Just kidding. You only get two.

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass

Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Favorite Electric-type? Rotom. But only its Mow form. Why? Because it's a fucking lawn mower.



Can you imagine? "Hey, Rotom. Mow my lawn. Wait, some d-bag wants to battle. Mow them first. No. Mow them the fuck down."

Granted, there's also a microwave Rotom, and he could heat up your pizza rolls for you which wins in terms of usefulness, I guess, but c'mon. Look at Mow Rotom's smile. Look at that grin. He wants to kill. He's glad to kill. He's Patrick Bateman as a Pokémon.

The other Rotom forms don't look anything like that. The fridge Rotom even looks a little sad. And that's lame.

FYI, Rotom can posses different electric objects. He's Electric/Ghost normally, but if he possess a washing machine or a microwave oven, he's Electric/Water or Electric/Fire, respectively. A refrigerator, Electric/Ice. A fan, Electric/Flying. And a lawn mower, Electric/Grass.

So how about those Grass-types? (Smooth transition, fuck yeah.) My favorite? Torterra.



Look at that. He's like some epic dinosaur/snapping turtle hybrid. And I love dinosaurs. I also love turtles. Therefore, I love Torterra.


Growlithe loves him too. In a... different way.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Disclaimer: Memes are not intended to educate.

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


I had a hard time picking out my favorite Water-type Pokémon. One of the new Generation V 'mons is Water/Ghost, which is a pretty awesome type combination, but mostly it just has a pretty awesome handlebar mustache:


If you find yourself suddenly craving Pringles, do not be alarmed. This is perfectly natural.


Ultimately, I had to go with Sharpedo. Who, wait for it... wait for it...





I said, wait for it.





... is a MOTHERFUCKING SHARK TORPEDO.


I can sense you asking a very stupid question right now, and to save you some embarrassment, the answer is jet propulsion.


Shark + Torpedo = Awesome. What more do you need? Okay, maybe a handlebar mustache, but now you're getting greedy.

The thing is: This dude is fast. And his Attack is huge. He will be all up on your shit while you are out with your mistress, and you will be off your guard because the sun will be shining, and there won't be a cloud in the sky, and you will be tanning on your yacht made of gold, looking forward to a peanut butter and jelly and sex sandwich later, or maybe something freaky, like not using any bread this time, and Sharpedo will sink your fucking yacht and impregnate your mistress faster than you can say, "OMG THIS ENTIRE SCENARIO IS COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE."


As with Mike Tyson, you must not look Sharpedo in the eyes. (Also pictured: Crawdaunt, a giant fucking lobster. May potentially be delicious with butter unless it has you with butter first.)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 2: Fire

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Arcanine.


"Yo."


Oh. Sorry. I didn't realize we were doing one of these dialogue posts. Last time we had one of these was the River Song one, and that was a mess. I mean, a hot tranny mess minus the hot part.



Yeah, that seemed to be the general consensus. Don't worry. You're much cuter than her.


"No, I'm fuckin' adorable."


You smug-ass bastard.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Anniversary.

Today is the one year anniversary of bookfart. Did you think you were getting something special? Think again. You are getting a Pokémon meme. Fuck you. This is my blog, and I can do what I want.


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Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Ursaring.



This is one badass mofo right here. He's a motherfucking bear. Look how awesome he is. He will fuck your shit up.



Look, now he has a sammich. Even Charizard, who, by the way, is a motherfucking dragon, is motherfucking jealous. Mother. Fucking. Jealous. You wish you had a sammich. Hell, I wish I had a sammich. Too bad, 'cause Ursaring has it, and I like being alive.



Oh, some might say that this battle would be short. And they would be right. Because Ursaring would win in about three-tenths of a second. Ursaring is weak to only one type. Fighting. Does Aerodactyl learn any Fighting attacks? One. Just one. And it only does 40 damage. He wouldn't even feel that. Nice try, dumbass. Aerodactyl, on the other hand, is weak to five different types and Ursaring can learn four of them. Yeah, that's four different ways of fucking you up, Aerodactyl. Maybe you should write that egg off as a loss and back the fuck off. He is a motherfucking bear. You are a mother. Back it up. Shit.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Masked Review: Where Their Worm Dieth Not

So we're gonna start with the rating this time. It gets a 5 out of 5.

The author is James Maxey. This is his blog: http://jamesmaxey.blogspot.com/

He has a second blog dedicated to just his fiction work, and that can be found here: http://dragonprophet.blogspot.com/

Review, review, review. Spoilers, obviously.


---


Atomahawk. How would you pronounce that? A-tom-a-hawk? Atom-a-hawk? I couldn't make up my mind. I still can't. He's a Native American superhero with a "fusion reactor where his heart should be." This allows him to fly and shoot lasers out of his fingertips. So maybe it is supposed to Atom-a-hawk? That sounds so awkward, though. Whatever. He's not the main character; it's not important.

The main character is Retaliator. Real name: Eric Gray. He has no real powers, but his cardiovascular system is bulletproof. I'm not really sure how that would be helpful unless... well, let's pretend your cardiovascular system is bulletproof. Is it bulletproof in such a way that if I shot you in the chest, the web of veins and arteries underneath your skin could catch the bullet? And stop it from, let's say, shredding a hole in your lung? Because it says here that you are scarred from all your crime-fighting. Which means that your skin has been cut at some point in time. Which means that your veins and arteries are doing nothing to hold your skin together, despite being made from "high-tech bioplastics from the twenty-eight century." So if I cut you with a knife, it would cut around your cardiovascular system? What would that even look like? Is that even possible? Would you not bleed? I NEED MORE INFORMATION, GOD DAMN IT.

Also. This is Retaliator's costume: "... black leather pants, knee-high boots with about a hundred silver buckles, leather gloves that laced up his forearm, and a black mask that concealed all his features save for zippered slits at the eyes, mouth, and nostrils."

Got that? Good.

Those are the clothes his father was found dead in.

Yes. That's right. He's wearing his dead father's sex outfit. As his superhero costume.

Think about that for a while. I won't.


And just try to make sense of this.


Honestly, it's actually a nice bit of foreshadowing. Because, ask yourself, what kind of person would wear the clothes his father died in? Never mind that he wears them as his superhero costume, or that they're some hardcore bondage attire. A fucked up person, right? A really fucked up person. And then take into account that bondage carries with it connotations of punishment and discipline, along with an absence of power and control. And then! He wears it as his symbol of power. Which shows, I think, the fundamental problem here. The one who wears the zippered mask isn't the one in control.

What I really like about Where Their Worm Dieth Not is that it deals with the ubiquitous ability of comic book characters to come back to life. The only comic book character to not get reconned back into existence, as far as I know, is Uncle Ben. Which probably pisses Peter Parker off permanently.


"'PROBABLY PISSES PETER PARKER OFF PERMANENTLY?' DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO SAY OUT LOUD?"


There's another character I haven't introduced yet. She-Devil. She's got some magic mojo and her whole schtick is to punish the wickedest of men.

Did I mention that Retaliator has an armed robber locked up in his basement? And that he tortures him? Daily? And will eventually kill him? This armed robber is seventeen years old, by the way.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Where Their Worm Dieth Not closes with Retaliator's best friend dead, his worst enemy dead, his wife dead. He chooses suicide and the implication is that he's killed himself before. But She-Devil wipes his memory and brings everyone back to life, just to torment him over and over again.


"Not kewl, She-Devil. Not kewl."


What can I say? I liked this one.