Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Canon.

Are the drabbles on this blog canon? I go by the basic rule that if it doesn't conflict with anything established in the B.I.P. (book-in-progress) then it's potential canon.

It is my displeasure to announce that, as of today, I'm Not Lyin', I'm Just Stunnin' With My Love-Glue-Gunnin' is no longer canon-compliant due to changes in Marcus's backstory. Hermaphrodite City being his favorite song, however, is still canon by virtue of that detail appearing in Goin' Places That I've Never Been, Seein' Things That I May Never See Again.

That is all.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Masked Review: The Non-Event

Author: Mike Carey. His offical website is here.

Review! Spoilers henceforth.



---



The Non-Event reminds me of The Usual Suspects even though I've never seen The Usual Suspects. So that may have been a totally useless sentence. I know Kevin Spacey was in it, though.


"This dildo will be the death of Superman."


The Non-Event starts off with our narrator, Davey, giving the police a confession after a heist goes horribly awry. What goes awry, you ask? Just the largest plot hole in the fictional universe. A plot black hole that sucks away all logic from the story and crushes it into oblivion.

But when we ran through the plan, it was obvious it still had a serious flaw. Probably more than one, if the truth be told, but certainly one that kind of jumped up, grabbed you by the collar, and screamed "serious fucking flaw!"


It's like Davey can read my mind.

We'll start off by listing the important members of this heist. There's Davey, AKA Lockjaw, who can sweet talk locks into spreading their tumblers toward the sky. Next is Perspective who has the power of re-sizing objects. Useful for stuffing the entire contents of a vault into a lead-lined pencil case. And lastly, there is Gallo, AKA Non-Event, whose power nullifies other powers. It basically seems to cause stuff not to work:

Car engines misfired. Phone calls got disconnected. Card readers on ATM machines became dyslexic. BIC lighters refused to spark. Even the wind died.


(ATM MACHINES???? DID YOU INPUT YOUR PIN NUMBER CORRECTLY???? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T CATCH THE HIV VIRUS!!!!)

See? It goes mostly unexplained why certain things are affected and others not. Like, do any of these things have anything in common? Is there something similar about cars, cell phones, superpowers, and the wind? I have no fucking idea. Does the author? I have no fucking idea.

Proceeding on, Perspective opens a bank account and asks to see her security deposit box. While she's in the vault, Lockjaw and a couple other unimportant characters teleport in, take out the security guards, and spring the locks. Perspective starts shoving everything that isn't glued down into her pencil case and they make their way toward the exit.

Sidebar: Perspective drops the miniaturized loot. It makes a "deafening clatter." Why? Does it still have the same mass? If so, it should be impossible to carry. Unless she has super strength. If she has super strength, you think she could have helped when they were punching out the guards. Also, she's clumsy. What forces her to drop the loot? A sinister boom. She trips over it. Everyone else managed to step over it. It's probably because she's a woman.

So there they are. Countless riches in hand, no one the wiser. What do they do? Why announce they're robbing the place, of course. Or rather, that they had already robbed it. Why stroll out of the bank when you can call massive attention to yourself?

Let's say I were to murder a pair of clowns. The most logical thing to do, if I wanted to get away with it, would be to drag the bodies to a police station and sign a confession.


Am... I free to go?


Superheroes, understandably, begin to show up. But don't worry! Because the heist's ring leader has a gun! And there is Non-Event! Standing in line! If he freaks out! He will prevent everyone's superpowers from working! The villains will have the advantage! Especially from the cops arriving at any second! Who will also have guns! And then the villains can make their getaway in their getaway car! Which will not work! Because of Non-Event's superpower! Let's break his elbow! FUCK YEAH ASLAN FUCK YEAH

Oh, wait. Perspective dropped the pencil case. Its lead-lining cracked. It's now subject to Non-Event's nullification. It explodes and people die.

Davey shoots Gallo in the head so his power will stop. He gets arrested. The end.

1.5 out of 5. It's not written too badly; Davey actually has a distinct voice and there's some strong characterization. But, man, the logic of The Non-Event is just not there. I could plan a better heist in my sleep. I could plan a better heist while on fire.


So I was thinking we could not be dumb as shit and become fabulously rich. How does that sound?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Wordle.

http://www.wordle.net/

Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text.


Cool and useless. Like most things.

Wordle of the book-in-progress, one hundred-ish pages in:


If you click on the picture, it will get bigger. Like magic. Oh no! I mean... As magic. Whew.


I guess it could tip you off to words you're using too often. I take back the useless bit. Except some words get counted twice, like Danny and Danny's, look and looks, and Red and... Red. So maybe it is useless. But it's still cool, damn it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Masked Review: Secret Identity

Paul Cornell wrote this story. Who, if you did not know, also worked on Doctor Who. What episode, you ask? Oh, just "Human Nature" and "The Family of Blood." Also known as the most quotable two-partner of Doctor Who EVER.

His blog is located here.

He's kinda cute, too.



On to the review! Watch out for spoilers.



---



There's this scene only a couple pages in where a group of university kids try to get into a gay bar. The bouncer refuses them entry on the basis that they're straight. The Manchester Guardian doesn't understand how this makes sense. The bouncer explains they're only here to point and laugh. The Manchester Guardian still doesn't understand, and frankly, neither do I.

What kind of straight people go to a gay bar just to make fun? Have they never heard of lesbians? Have they never even seen a lesbian? If there is one thing I know to be true, it's that you NEVER fuck with lesbians. The only conclusion I can draw is that these kids have absolutely no problem with... No. They actively desire to wake up in a Dumpster the next morning, their wallets and purses empty, their faces broken up and reconstructed like they'd been worked on by a knife-wielding Picasso.


The before is on the right. Don't laugh. She'll never be a model now.


The Manchester Guardian is the superhero of Secret Identity if you haven't caught that yet. He's gay. Not just a superhero who's gay, but a gay superhero. The difference is important and necessary to this short story. As a gay superhero, the Manchester Guardian can't wear a mask. It wouldn't make any sense. He'd be hiding who he was.

It's here where a number of Superman parallels pop up. The Manchester Guardian's real name is Chris Atlas. His boyfriend's name is Jim Ashton. Jim gets referred to (in story!) as Lois Lane. Chris wears glasses, and Jim lampshades what a piss poor disguise that is. Because, really, everyone in the Superman-verse is probably brain-damaged from all the kryptonite that's just lying around, saturating their water supply. Plus, both Superman and the Manchester Guardian have the same powers. Although, Superman's are because he's an alien, and the Manchester Guardian gets his through a magic word. Which is more Captain Marvel than anything else, but whatever.

You also get the question of who exactly Jim is dating. Is it Chris or the Manchester Guardian? This is something I associate more with the movie Spider-Man 3. If you've never seen it, there's this scene where Mary Jane flips a shit over Spider-Man kissing another woman for some publicity photographs. Never mind that Mary Jane is an actress and KISSES OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.


IRL, too! What a bitch.


Here's where the twist comes in. When Chris is the Manchester Guardian, he's straight. When he utters the magic word, his body changes. Muscles forged from pure fire and testosterone, flight, bulletproof teeth, etc. A side effect, Chris and Jim speculate, is that his brain chemistry alters in such a subtle way it renders him heterosexual. He's already had sex with a female cat bugler (holy shout out, Batman!) and he's afraid he won't be able to resist next time he encounters her.

Jim is understandably upset at this turn of events. And it's nice to know that Chris is, too. He wouldn't be very heroic if he wasn't.

Luckily, much earlier in the story, he was able to procure a supervillain's hat that grants wishes so he's able to wish himself into two separate entities. Chris and the Manchester Guardian. Happy endings for everyone!

See, I liked Secret Identity. It's a cute story and doesn't try to be anything other than that. There's minimal angst, the dialogue is realistic, and I LOL'd in multiple places. As opposed to Cleansed and Set in Gold, which had a great premise and only a so-so execution, Secret Identity has an eh premise, but it's polished perfectly. It manages to hit every note it needs to succeed. We get little details here and there on how the world has adapted to superheroes and villains; it even touches on issues of coming out, acceptance, and identity. Normally I'd probably give a story like this a 3, but since Paul Cornell obviously knows what he's doing, I have to give it a 4 out of 5. He really took the time to edit and make what little plot he had shine.

JUST SHUT UP STOP TALKING CEASE AND DESIST THERE'S A GOOD GIRL

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My bad.

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel



Favorite Dragon-type: Garchomp.



At this point, do I really need to explain why I love this 'mon? Shark + jet plane + dinosaur. I rest my case.

Favorite Dark-type: Tyranitar.



Tyranitar are one of those unfortunate Pokémon that are RAWR-some but have abilities that suck. His ability is Sand Stream which causes a sandstorm every time he enters battle. Basically, that means your team better be made up of only Rock, Ground, or Steel-types or they will take damage every turn. Lame. On the plus side, he looks like Godzilla. And his arms are just stubby enough to be adorable.

Favorite Steel-type: Metagross.



This 'mon was one of my favorite from the third generation. I'm not even gonna play around. I mean, a giant mechanized spider? Sign me right the fuck up. And he only has two weakness. Count 'em. Fire and Ground. And if he uses Magnet Rise, he becomes immune to Ground-types. A giant FLYING mechanized spider? I think I just crapped my pants.


P.S. The next Masked review will be up, at the very latest, this weekend.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 13: Rock + Day 14: Ghost

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost

Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Some may say the new Pokémon designs are lazy. I say who gives a fuck? It's an Anomalocaris!



No, sorry, that was Anorith. I get confused. This is Anomalocaris:



The only difference seems to be that Anorith has feathers and Anomalacaris has soul-sucking eyes of death. Which makes sense since it was the Earth's first apex predator. Also, feathers make everything look gay.


"ORANGE IS THE NEW PINK!"


I love my gay Anorith.

While we're on the subject of unoriginal Pokémon, here's my favorite Ghost-type:



Fine. It's a candle. Lumière's love child. I think it's cute. Fuck you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 12: Bug

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


As in real life, as in Pokémon: There are a lot of fucking bugs. I hate bugs. I hate them all. Well, except ladybugs. Ladybugs are okay. And spiders aren't so bad.


Spider-squirrels, though... Spider-squirrels are the worst.


But there honestly aren't that many Bug-type Pokémon I dislike. So this was a hard choice. Ultimately I had to go with:



Parasect! One of the worst Pokémon in the game!

Seriously. He has no Speed so he always goes last. He's weak to six different types, including two 4x weakness. And if he has the Dry Skin ability, he's 5x weak to Fire. No other Pokémon has a 5x weakness. But, still. He's cool. Parasect is based on the Cordyceps genus of fungi, all of which are parasitic. There's an interesting article here on Parasect, but, basically, Parasect is a zombie. A zombie Pokémon! How is that not cool? I mean, really. C'mon.


Totally cool.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 11: Psychic

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Obviously, I must think pigs are adorable.



SPOINK! It's even fun to say! SPOINKSPOINKSPOINK!

But check this, bro. Its Pokédex entry: "It bounces constantly, using its tail like a spring. The shock of bouncing keeps its heart beating."

What? How? Why is Mother Nature so cruel? Or, in this case, Mother Pokéture. How does Spoink sleep? How does it eat? It can't lie down or it will DIE? That's horrible. God damn you, Mother Pokéture. You're a stupid bitch.



But for real, bro. Bro. Isn't this thing stupidly adorable?

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm behind by how many, you say?

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying

Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Swinub is too cute for words.



If Pokémon were real, I would own one in five seconds. Maybe four seconds. I seriously can't handle how cute this thing is. Let's move on.



Toxicroak. Technically, this is cheating because he's a Poison-type first, Fighting-type second, but fuck that noise. He was the first Generation IV Pokémon that caught my eye with its badassness, and I usually hate Fighting-types.

Plus, he's a fucking poison dart frog. I mean, that's awesome. The only thing more aweso-ALL GLORY TO HYPNOTOAD



That's Muk. I think the reason I like Muk is 'cause I have fond memories of it from the anime. He was always trying to hug Ash, and Ash would be all like, "WTF GET OFF ME YOU LITERALLY ARE MADE OF MEDICAL WASTE." And I LOL'd forever.

And now deviantART is freaking out on me. We will have to make use of official pictures from this point forward. GOD DAMN IT, DEVIANTART. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM TRYING TO COMPLETE A POKÉMON MEME.



I'm sorry. Did you just shit your pants? Steelix has that effect on people. Yeah, yeah, he's primarily a Steel-type, but I stopped giving a fuck two Pokémon ago, nerd.

FYI, there are no Pokémon with Flying as their primary type. Well, technically there's one, but it looks like this:


deviantART is working again. This is the best it would give me.


What is that? It's like my brain breaks looking at it. What am I looking at? Why does it have a squid tentacle coming out of its cloud-ass? Why is it so buff and green? Is it related to the Hulk? Is it an elf? It has pointy ears. WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?



This is Drifloon. It is a balloon. Ghost/Flying-type. I like it. That is all.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A thousand apologies. Wait. Just kidding. You only get two.

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass

Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Favorite Electric-type? Rotom. But only its Mow form. Why? Because it's a fucking lawn mower.



Can you imagine? "Hey, Rotom. Mow my lawn. Wait, some d-bag wants to battle. Mow them first. No. Mow them the fuck down."

Granted, there's also a microwave Rotom, and he could heat up your pizza rolls for you which wins in terms of usefulness, I guess, but c'mon. Look at Mow Rotom's smile. Look at that grin. He wants to kill. He's glad to kill. He's Patrick Bateman as a Pokémon.

The other Rotom forms don't look anything like that. The fridge Rotom even looks a little sad. And that's lame.

FYI, Rotom can posses different electric objects. He's Electric/Ghost normally, but if he possess a washing machine or a microwave oven, he's Electric/Water or Electric/Fire, respectively. A refrigerator, Electric/Ice. A fan, Electric/Flying. And a lawn mower, Electric/Grass.

So how about those Grass-types? (Smooth transition, fuck yeah.) My favorite? Torterra.



Look at that. He's like some epic dinosaur/snapping turtle hybrid. And I love dinosaurs. I also love turtles. Therefore, I love Torterra.


Growlithe loves him too. In a... different way.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Disclaimer: Memes are not intended to educate.

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


I had a hard time picking out my favorite Water-type Pokémon. One of the new Generation V 'mons is Water/Ghost, which is a pretty awesome type combination, but mostly it just has a pretty awesome handlebar mustache:


If you find yourself suddenly craving Pringles, do not be alarmed. This is perfectly natural.


Ultimately, I had to go with Sharpedo. Who, wait for it... wait for it...





I said, wait for it.





... is a MOTHERFUCKING SHARK TORPEDO.


I can sense you asking a very stupid question right now, and to save you some embarrassment, the answer is jet propulsion.


Shark + Torpedo = Awesome. What more do you need? Okay, maybe a handlebar mustache, but now you're getting greedy.

The thing is: This dude is fast. And his Attack is huge. He will be all up on your shit while you are out with your mistress, and you will be off your guard because the sun will be shining, and there won't be a cloud in the sky, and you will be tanning on your yacht made of gold, looking forward to a peanut butter and jelly and sex sandwich later, or maybe something freaky, like not using any bread this time, and Sharpedo will sink your fucking yacht and impregnate your mistress faster than you can say, "OMG THIS ENTIRE SCENARIO IS COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE."


As with Mike Tyson, you must not look Sharpedo in the eyes. (Also pictured: Crawdaunt, a giant fucking lobster. May potentially be delicious with butter unless it has you with butter first.)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 2: Fire

Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Arcanine.


"Yo."


Oh. Sorry. I didn't realize we were doing one of these dialogue posts. Last time we had one of these was the River Song one, and that was a mess. I mean, a hot tranny mess minus the hot part.



Yeah, that seemed to be the general consensus. Don't worry. You're much cuter than her.


"No, I'm fuckin' adorable."


You smug-ass bastard.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Anniversary.

Today is the one year anniversary of bookfart. Did you think you were getting something special? Think again. You are getting a Pokémon meme. Fuck you. This is my blog, and I can do what I want.


---


Every day will be a different type. Post your favorite Pokémon of that day’s type. Provide a picture and an explanation as to why you love it.

Day 1: Normal
Day 2: Fire
Day 3: Water
Day 4: Electric
Day 5: Grass
Day 6: Ice
Day 7: Fighting
Day 8: Poison
Day 9: Ground
Day 10: Flying
Day 11: Psychic
Day 12: Bug
Day 13: Rock
Day 14: Ghost
Day 15: Dragon
Day 16: Dark
Day 17: Steel


Ursaring.



This is one badass mofo right here. He's a motherfucking bear. Look how awesome he is. He will fuck your shit up.



Look, now he has a sammich. Even Charizard, who, by the way, is a motherfucking dragon, is motherfucking jealous. Mother. Fucking. Jealous. You wish you had a sammich. Hell, I wish I had a sammich. Too bad, 'cause Ursaring has it, and I like being alive.



Oh, some might say that this battle would be short. And they would be right. Because Ursaring would win in about three-tenths of a second. Ursaring is weak to only one type. Fighting. Does Aerodactyl learn any Fighting attacks? One. Just one. And it only does 40 damage. He wouldn't even feel that. Nice try, dumbass. Aerodactyl, on the other hand, is weak to five different types and Ursaring can learn four of them. Yeah, that's four different ways of fucking you up, Aerodactyl. Maybe you should write that egg off as a loss and back the fuck off. He is a motherfucking bear. You are a mother. Back it up. Shit.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Masked Review: Where Their Worm Dieth Not

So we're gonna start with the rating this time. It gets a 5 out of 5.

The author is James Maxey. This is his blog: http://jamesmaxey.blogspot.com/

He has a second blog dedicated to just his fiction work, and that can be found here: http://dragonprophet.blogspot.com/

Review, review, review. Spoilers, obviously.


---


Atomahawk. How would you pronounce that? A-tom-a-hawk? Atom-a-hawk? I couldn't make up my mind. I still can't. He's a Native American superhero with a "fusion reactor where his heart should be." This allows him to fly and shoot lasers out of his fingertips. So maybe it is supposed to Atom-a-hawk? That sounds so awkward, though. Whatever. He's not the main character; it's not important.

The main character is Retaliator. Real name: Eric Gray. He has no real powers, but his cardiovascular system is bulletproof. I'm not really sure how that would be helpful unless... well, let's pretend your cardiovascular system is bulletproof. Is it bulletproof in such a way that if I shot you in the chest, the web of veins and arteries underneath your skin could catch the bullet? And stop it from, let's say, shredding a hole in your lung? Because it says here that you are scarred from all your crime-fighting. Which means that your skin has been cut at some point in time. Which means that your veins and arteries are doing nothing to hold your skin together, despite being made from "high-tech bioplastics from the twenty-eight century." So if I cut you with a knife, it would cut around your cardiovascular system? What would that even look like? Is that even possible? Would you not bleed? I NEED MORE INFORMATION, GOD DAMN IT.

Also. This is Retaliator's costume: "... black leather pants, knee-high boots with about a hundred silver buckles, leather gloves that laced up his forearm, and a black mask that concealed all his features save for zippered slits at the eyes, mouth, and nostrils."

Got that? Good.

Those are the clothes his father was found dead in.

Yes. That's right. He's wearing his dead father's sex outfit. As his superhero costume.

Think about that for a while. I won't.


And just try to make sense of this.


Honestly, it's actually a nice bit of foreshadowing. Because, ask yourself, what kind of person would wear the clothes his father died in? Never mind that he wears them as his superhero costume, or that they're some hardcore bondage attire. A fucked up person, right? A really fucked up person. And then take into account that bondage carries with it connotations of punishment and discipline, along with an absence of power and control. And then! He wears it as his symbol of power. Which shows, I think, the fundamental problem here. The one who wears the zippered mask isn't the one in control.

What I really like about Where Their Worm Dieth Not is that it deals with the ubiquitous ability of comic book characters to come back to life. The only comic book character to not get reconned back into existence, as far as I know, is Uncle Ben. Which probably pisses Peter Parker off permanently.


"'PROBABLY PISSES PETER PARKER OFF PERMANENTLY?' DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO SAY OUT LOUD?"


There's another character I haven't introduced yet. She-Devil. She's got some magic mojo and her whole schtick is to punish the wickedest of men.

Did I mention that Retaliator has an armed robber locked up in his basement? And that he tortures him? Daily? And will eventually kill him? This armed robber is seventeen years old, by the way.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Where Their Worm Dieth Not closes with Retaliator's best friend dead, his worst enemy dead, his wife dead. He chooses suicide and the implication is that he's killed himself before. But She-Devil wipes his memory and brings everyone back to life, just to torment him over and over again.


"Not kewl, She-Devil. Not kewl."


What can I say? I liked this one.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hiatus.

I'll be in Florida for most of the month of September so don't expect any blog updates until I get back. (Well, you can expect all you want, I suppose, just don't hold your breath.) Also, I will be continuing my review of Masked; August just got a little hectic, so no worries there.

Have a fantastic Labor Day weekend! I know I will!


You need to catch up.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Masked Review: Cleansed and Set in Gold

The author of Cleansed and Set in Gold is Matthew Sturges. I am unfamiliar with him and his work so I have nothing to say about... well, him and his work. I do like his title choice, though.

Also, this is his blog: http://matthewsturges.com/wordpress/

On to the review! SPOILERS AHEAD.


---


Let's get this out of the way.

"She clearly could care less what I make of the Ghoul King, and I don't even bother to answer her."

ORLY?

/anal annie

In other news, his use of the present tense gets a gold star from me.

So the main character of Cleansed and Set in Gold (C&SG) is named David Caulfield, his superhero alias is Wildcard. His superpower is variable. You never know what he's going to show up to a battle with. Invisibility? Maybe. Flight? It's possible. Underwear outside of his pants? You know it. Funnily enough, the only powers he expresses are of his fellow superheroes in the League of Heroes. Simple, right?

The twist is that he's a cannibal. That's how he gets his powers. Any heroes or villians who die, he digs up and stores in his secret refrigerated lair (Sidebar: His secret refrigerated lair is accessible from his apartment. I'm not sure how that works.) and eats as needed.

Honestly, the first time I read C&SG I was like, WHAT THE MUFF, LAMEFACE?

The second time, I liked it a lot more.

There was this nice bit of foreshadowing in the beginning that I missed but caught on the second read. It seems obvious now, but at the time I just thought, "Oh, yeah, eating makes me feel better, too." I dunno, the whole eat-the-flesh-of-your-enemies-to-gain-their-strength trope is extremely old but it's stuck around. I mean, it's in District 9, and that only came out last year.

But then it's like... what about hair and nails and stuff? There's this part at the end when he eats part of his still-living enemy and gains her power, so obviously he doesn't have to eat already dead people. Or, hey, hey, hey, David could try giving out some blowjobs and see if that worked. Plus, how did he even discover his superpower? And what constitutes a power? If he ate a fish, could he swim real fast and breathe underwater? If he ate some beef, would he taste delicious?

Maybe this short story would have worked better as a book. Or maybe there just could have been a Q&A afterward.

(Sidebar again: Back to his secret refrigerated lair, sorry. David is being interviewed by this reporter, and he shows her the false wall that leads to his lair. He notes she is "impressed" and I JUST figured out why. SHE THINKS YOU CAN BEND SPACE AND TIME, DAVID. SHE THINKS YOU ARE A TIME LORD.)


I HUNGER FOR FLESH


C&SG gets another gold star for its focus on character relationships.

LOL. Look what I wrote in my notes: More characters involved in an action scene, the harder it is to do. Matthew Sturges manages to skirt around this law by killing off his heroes as quick as possible.

It's true, too. This League of Heroes is really more of a Group of Heroes. And by the end, it's pretty much just a Couple. David's got to power his superpower somehow.

Oh, and there's this weird interaction toward the beginning of C&SG where it's revealed David has a love of words. I was waiting for it to come into play again, but no. Never again.

There's not much more for me to say about C&SG without going real in-depth, blah, blah, symbolism, blah, blah, who cares. There's a scene where David gives that reporter I mentioned earlier the interview of her life, but the only reason I take issue with it is because I would have done it differently and that's a lame reason not to like something. Matthew Sturges did it his way; it's his story, and I'm not going to go all, I HATE THIS WRITE IT MY WAY OR ELSE DAMN IT

AND. There is a lot of dialogue. A lot of it was unnecessary. At first I felt like Sturges was doing it because he normally works with comic books, so lots of dialogue is just business as usual for him. But then he lampshaded it at one point because David is like, "I'm saying this aloud, but the words aren't really necessary." FUCKIN' A, DAVID. FUCKIN' A.

So what? Good concept. Slightly uneven execution. No plot holes, but some major backstory holes. 4.5 out of 5. I'm being a little generous here because a couple of the stories to come are so bad, this one seems... *puts on sunglasses* ...cleansed and set in gold.

YEAAAAAAH!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Masked Review: The Introduction!

Masked is AN AWE-INSPIRING ANTHOLOGY OF ALL-ORGINIAL SUPERHERO FICTION.


THIS IS THE COVER.


I figure I'll review Masked story by story, and be warned, there will be spoil-


SPOILERS!


GOD DAMN IT, RIVER SONG. GET OUT OF MY BLOG.


SPOILERS! GIMME UR WALLET.


Oh. Here. Just go, okay? Go.


SPOILERS! U DUN BEEN RAPED 2.


FUUUUUUUUU-